


The Weekly Yeast vol. 1

by ebayhaunteddoll



Series: The Weekly Yeast [1]
Category: Actor RPF, Fashion RPF, Music RPF, Political RPF, TWICE (Band)
Genre: Other, anna wintour hate, magazine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-05
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:35:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27886882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ebayhaunteddoll/pseuds/ebayhaunteddoll
Summary: Take a peak into the lives of the rich, famous, and influential through one of the least read gossip magazines! Updating once per week, we write the text equivalent of a little girl's attempt at making slime from cleaning products and glitter in her mom's new Kitchenaid. Our entire staff abuses household substances and we live too fast for editing so we apologize in advance for any errors and spelling. Experience a level of journalistic integrity that makes you wish you were watching Fox News.This week's issue includes a list of the most vampiric celebrities, an exclusive interview from Vogue editor Anna Wintour, and other electrifying stories.
Series: The Weekly Yeast [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2041948
Comments: 4
Kudos: 9





	The Weekly Yeast vol. 1

* * *

# 10 Celebrities Who Could Totally be Vampires

_With Halloween just a mere 334 days around the corner, I thought it would be perfect to make a list of the most bone chillingly beautiful celebs._

**1\. Amy Lee (IF YOU DONT KNOW WHO THAT IS GET THE FUK OUT OF HERE!!!)**

I probably didn’t even need to put her on here because you were expecting it. I know a lot of people throw the term "blueprint" around these days, but Amy Lee was literally the blueprint. She set the fucking stage for the modern day sexy romantic vampire.

**2\. Grace Jones**

Legendary supermodel, musician and actress Grace Jones has a cool skin tone and sharp features that give her that edgy, seductive look, that besides an apatite for blood, MAKES a vampire. 

**3\. Chaeyoung Son**

Soft yet striking facial features, jet-black hair, porcelain skin, and popularity among lesbians. Throw out your garlic, everyone!! 

**4\. Megan Fox (in the winter)**

Although her summer shade gives her a healthy and lively skin tone, I do think every pale person with black hair looks like a vampire. 

**5\. Grimes**

This Canadian singer-songwriter and class traitor looks like she crawled straight out of a 16th century crypt. Her 2018 met gala look gave us gothic vampire realness, but she still carries her more classically ghoulish look into her day to day life. 

**6\. Azalea Banks**

I can't explain it. Plus Grimes probably bit her.

**7\. Timothee Chalamet**

I am 100% sure that if Twilight was first turned into a movie in this day and age, Edward would be for SURE played by Tim. You can quote me on this.

**8\. Dracula**

Literally what _isn’t_ vampiric about this guy? He literally sleeps in a coffin, hates garlic, and is never seen in sunlight. This, along with his thick, sexy European accent, his eccentric mannerisms, his taste for elegantly vintage clothing, and his 10 million dollar 12th century castle estate have lead many fans to crack jokes about him being a vampire. Honestly, at this point it wouldn’t even surprise me if he did drink blood.

**9\. Kim Yo Jong**

Real-life princess and former dead Victorian heiress has a ghostly aura around her that commands the attention of the room, something necessary in her everyday affairs of being a #girlboss. Her strong cheekbones remind us of a seductive Disney villain, and her natural eyeshadow remind us of how she is actually dead but was risen by unholy means. If she smiled one day (perhaps when her older brothers and their wives all die of unexpected heart attacks) to reveal fangs, I think its safe to say most of us wouldn't be surprised.

**10\. Angelina Jolie**

Angelina’s gaunt features and dark hair make her look absolutely vampiric. Maybe she adopts all those kids to suck their blood. Maybe I sound antisemetic. Maybe I'm Jewish. Did you ever think of that? Is Angelina Jolie Jewish? I don't fucking know, do you think all Jews just know each other? Do you want me to use my Jew powers to fucking telekinetically ask her if she's Jewish? You fucking skinhead. Anyways, I don't really have anything to say about her. I just needed a 10th person and my friend told me to put her in. 

* * *

# Anna Wintour Spills it All in Explosive New Interview

_Anna Wintour. Legendary. Influential. Iconic. Controversial? In this edition of the Weekly Yeast, we managed to score a rare, exclusive interview with America's favorite corn husk doll in pearls._

__

Interviewer: So, Anna, a lot of our readers have been wondering what you like to do in your free time. Could you give us a quick view into what your hobbies looks like?

Anna: Well, I rarely ever have free time. I always am working. But in the rare occasion I don't have anything, I do enjoy going to hospitals and burning the baby blankets. I think it really makes a statement. I also like doing paint by numbers, I find it really relaxing. I also enjoyed spending time on Little St. James before Jeff was arrested. Such a nice man, such a shame the investigation made it a pain to get there. 

Interviewer: Oh.

Anna: Yes?  
  
Interviewer: Nothing. Moving on, so what would you say the work environment is like at Vogue?

Anna: We are extremely intense. If you've ever seen Devil Wears Prada, it's almost like that. Everyone who's appearance isn't up to Vogue's standards is required to wear a paper bag over their head. They can take the bag off when they get surgery or allow for 300 USD to be taken off of their pay check per month. Although I pride myself in making Vogue a welcoming workplace, don't allow queers on our team. I find them distracting, always sashaying about and sticking the office lava lamps up their ass, or rather "bussy" would be the more culturally sensitive term. We pay our new employees below minimum wage. They have to work for it. Day and night, no breaks, no sick leave. When they stop moving they're beaten. we have a 40% survival rate in the first year. They need to know that fashion is not just some type of game, but rather something you need to live and die for. Our staff also runs background investigations on the family of each person applying. If they or one of their immediate family members is over 70 pounds or ugly, the applicant is denied and their reputation in the fashion world ruined. As you know, we moved from New York to an offshore rig so we don't have to follow the ADA or OSHA. My personal philosophy is that if you can do something good for the world, you should. We're completely exempt from taxes, we try to use our extra money towards good causes. We funnel a good amount of it to Al Qaeda. I also do a lot of lobbying. I lobbied for the Iraq war and against the banning of asbestos. All the fur I wear is real. This coat is panda. I don't care for animals. You will never see me donating to an environmental cause or any of the like. 

Interviewer: How did you know what question I was goin-

Anna: I'm psychic. 

Interviewer: Oh?

Anna: I knew you were going to have me address these comments, and I do think its time that I just clear the air about some of my more controversial opinions. When I said that I wanted poor and ugly people to live on a separate island, I was just saying that people like me shouldn't have to see them. I really think it's unfair that I, who worked my way to the top, have to see these people on the side of the road every day. I think it would be better for them as well, as it would change the standard of beauty, so then some of them would be able to get a second chance to be beautiful. 

Interviewer: That actually isn't what I was going to ask, I'm sorry. I was actually going to ask about what a typical meal looks like at the Vogue headquarters. Could you let us know what type of food gets served there? 

Anna: Jesus fucking Christ, why don't you just fucking ask a normal fucking employee? Why did you schedule this interview with me instead of one of the lowers? 

Interviewer: Sorry, Ma'am. 

Anna: But personally, I like sucking the blood of a live bat. Usually everyone below me gets a few carrots or something. They're fine, it's all they get to eat on this busy schedule. 

Interviewer: What do you see in the future, in terms of fashion trends?

Anna: A huge trend I can see is dressing like a poor. I think that a lot of poors actually have great taste, but their clothes would just look so much better on a rich person. I think just on the horizon people are going to be dressing the same as the poors, but it just will look better on them because they are not a poor. I think it is 100% okay to tell someone if you think they look bad. I think if a poor comes up to you thinking you're one of them, you should have the right to yell at it. If it didn't want to be poor, it should have been born to landed gentry. Thank you for having me, this is all the time I have left. Thank you.

Interviewer: Thank you.

* * *

# Wendy Williams Found Dead

She died

* * *

# Becky's Jim Carrey Column

Becky won't fucking write me a column despite asking me if she can have a column so here's a photo of gym carry she's been freaking out over like she keeps talking about it. Before you ask, she is not attracted to Jim Carrey. She's like obsessed with him but in a bad way like she hates him but follows him because she thinks he's funny but not on purpose. 


End file.
